Bird by Bird

From October 2008 to September 2009, all I did was read. I mean, I took breaks in between for food, sleeping, holidays and an ample amount of procrastination, but mostly what I did was read. Oh and worry. I was worried because I was meant to be doing a PhD, and surely this meant doing more than reading, surely this mean processing what I had read into some kind of form? In retrospect I think that is exactly what was missing, the writing bit. I took a year out of the PhD to go and have a think about this, and whether I wanted to continue with the PhD or go become a town planner. Now, on the verge of completing my MSc in Planning, with only the small matter of the dissertation left to go, I find myself returning to my PhD office, and to the old patterns that were so unproductive. I spent the morning yesterday, guess what? Reading. Yes. Then in the afternoon after some procrastinating and feeling down, I talked to my boyfriend and he said, did you write? And I said no, I was tired, I didn't feel like it. Oh dear. Then he said, ok, just write a couple of hundred words about what you read today. Now, over the years, I have written thousands of words, words flow from me like water, I can't stop, now that I've started up this blog again and if you've come across it, you will soon discover this fact. But when my boyfriend said 'write a couple of hundred words' I thought, 'I don't have that much to say about this! I can't possibly write that. I don't want to...' and endless other excuses.

Why is it so hard to start writing? As a child I used to stay up late at night writing stories. I had notebooks filled with them. I loved it and I did it for fun. Now, nearing thirty, and my dreams of becoming a writer continuously on hold because I feel the need to have a 'real' career that will guarantee an income, and I struggle to write a few words unless I absolutely have to. Strange indeed. Granted, the material is quite different. Whereas writing stories involves wandering off into the beautiful world of imagination where the mind can roam free, academic work involves focusing hard on someone's argument and carefully analyzing and dissecting it and making a good critique of it. It's hard work. Just thinking about it now is making my head hurt. But I'm on the verge of returning to my PhD, which means I'm about to sign up for at least two more years of this misery and I have to find a way to get myself through it... hence the blog. I need to have an outlet where the things that prevent me from approaching my academic writing don't apply, so that I can write freely and work out for myself the problems I'm having so that I can get on with the task at hand without getting caught up in a kind of paralysis.

The thing is this... the task seems mammoth. And as soon as it does, the easiest and most appealing thing to do is to lie down and well, go to sleep to shut it out. So I slept a lot during that first year of the PhD. There are other avoidance tactics as well, but it's rare to escape the feeling of guilt unless you are doing one of two things: sleeping, or doing the work. The best part is when you are actually doing the work. It's rewarding, it's interesting. Sometimes it's disappointing (like when you find someone else's work that covers what you're covering but seemingly much better!), but overall there is a sense that you're doing what you're meant to be doing. And that's good. So, why is it that I try to avoid it so much? The endless hours spent watching youtube videos, on facebook, anywhere else (probably this blog in the future but at least this is helpful)....

I figure there are a number of reasons for why I procrastinate. And so I've made myself a little guide to refer to for whenever I start roaming youtube and looking at videos of talking cats. Here goes:

Question: Why do I procrastinate?

Answer 1) Because I'm afraid that if I do work on something it won't be good

** Think about this: If I don't work on it at all it's bound to be worse!

Answer 2) Because I am under the impression that the work I need to do will be less enjoyable than what I'm doing

** Think about this: I enjoy thinking and playing with ideas. I enjoy writing. Most of all, I enjoy the feeling of having accomplished something!

Answer 3) Not doing it is easier

** Yes, but there is also no satisfaction in it, and I feel bad after wasting time. I feel ashamed of my procrastination and guilty for not having done my work. Also, it makes my work harder and stress level higher in the long run.

A4) The thought of the work in its entirety fills me with fear and dread - if I occupy my mind with other things I don't have to think about it and thus don't experience the fear and dread.

** Try not to think about the entirety. Instead, think in terms of paragraphs, or ten minute chunks. e.g., I'm just going to write 2 paragraphs on x and/or edit 2 paragraphs. Baby steps!


This last point is where the title of this post comes from. I have a book called 'Bird by Bird' which is about writing. And the story goes that someone's son had to write this paper on all the birds of a certain area. It was the end of the term and the boy hadn't done any of the work and now the task was mega. Feeling daunted he just didn't know where to start, until his father advised him to just take it 'bird by bird'. Just write one thing at a time and in the end it will add up.

I'm all too easily distracted but hopefully I will refer back to this when my mind is wandering for the umpteenth time each day, and I'll find the will to carry on and get something written!