Going backwards

I see I haven't posted here since February so perhaps it's time for a new post. I guess there is this tension for me between wanting to share deeper thoughts and feelings on here, and at the same time wanting to protect myself. Probably the best thing to do would be to focus on newsy-type posts where I update about where I've been and what I've been up to that's interesting. For example, I could post about the sustainable farm that I visited a few weeks ago and talk about their carbon-saving strategies, or about the honey farm I visited this weekend and how the colonies of bees work, how honey is collected, the properties of propolis... Or the very nice seafood we had in Newquay (Wales) and the dolphins we saw playing in the bay. All this stuff is interesting and fun, yet I don't seem to make the time to post about it.

Instead, what I feel like posting about are the adventures into my mind, and body to a certain extent, since they aren't separate things really. As it was Sunday yesterday, one of the tasks I had set for myself was to clear out some of my old stuff to make way for the things that my soon-to-be-hubby will be bringing with himself when he moves in two and a half weeks from now. I shifted a box from a closet and found it labeled 'correspondence'. Well I don't know about you, but I find it irresistible sometimes when faced with a box containing old letters and the like, to simply shift it without at least having a peek inside. So naturally I did open it up, and found not only letters but also my diaries from about age 12 onwards. I was pretty sporadic with diary-keeping so there are only 5 or 6 of them, sometimes spanning 2 years. There's a gap where I first started blogging as I guess that was an alternative outlet then, and there's only so much writing about your life you can do.

I have to say this, reading your diaries from years back is an almost surreal experience. You know that's it's you yourself that wrote them, although it seems like another you, a different person. I remember writing some of the posts quite clearly, especially ones that had early experiences with the opposite sex. And there were things I didn't even admit within the pages, but that I alluded to in ways that jog my memory now. In some ways it was quite fun reading through, but in other ways it also brought up loads of pain too. And looking back at what it was like then, when it felt like anything was possible because my whole life was ahead of me, brings up disappointment that I didn't do many of the things I'd hoped to as well. After reading through I found myself battling with some of the negative feelings that I had written about at different stages in life, particularly from when I was 15! So I'm torn now. On one hand, they are a record of those times of life. On the other hand, they seem to have recorded a disproportionate amount of the bad times, probably due to the nature of diary-keeping, as a place to vent or come to terms with things. Part of me wants to destroy them, to leave behind the negatives of the past and think only day by day. But another part of me sees them as precious, even in all their sadness in some ways. I did feel compelled though, to ask the hubby-to-be to destroy them if for some reason I died before him.

Maybe I should work on writing them into an auto-biography of sorts, or better still, a fictionalized, anonymized novel. Then I could pull out the positives, re-write the bad stuff with the benefits of hindsight, and get rid of the offending things forever. Because am I really want to look back when I'm an old lady and remember all the painful times and sadness? I think from now on at least I should make a point of recording the good and beautiful things in life much more and focusing my attention on them as much as possible.

Memories of winter calm

It feels like Spring is just around the corner, but I wanted to have a last look back at this lovely winter we've just had. It was truly beautiful, the landscape dusted with snow, frost decorating the leaves, and me, feeling surrounded by love and peace. What more could anyone ask for? I know it's February now and these pictures are from two months ago! Where has the time gone? But I wanted to remember it, and so I decided to post this slideshow here so I can look back at it later on and enjoy it all over again.

Riding the bus

I had a dream last night that I was riding a bus. I was the only passenger and it was an open top bus. It was driving through beautiful scenery, fields of golden corn, the sun low in the sky creating a beautiful summery mood. I'd forgotten my camera at home, and had been heading to some lovely destination. I decided I didn't want to go without my camera so I would ride the bus back to closer to home and walk home to get the camera. Along the ride I saw my friend Maryam jogging by the side of the road. She was smiling to herself, listening to music, she didn't see me. I sat back and enjoyed the scenery until I got to the place I wanted to get off, pushed the button and as I was getting off the driver said I'd be ok to walk the rest of the way home as it was still light out.

I woke up this morning thinking a few things, firstly, I need to get my driver's license and start driving again. I wasn't thinking about the dream when I thought this, just that I needed to get in control of this part of my life. On reflection I think the two things are related... the bus carrying me where it goes, me just going along for the ride, not being in control. I thought that as well, while brushing my teeth, wondering about my PhD and why I'm doing it. I think it's too late to back out now and I won't, because I think I can do it if I just don't question my motivation too much. I just have to keep plugging away day after day and I will get there. But it's a bit bizarre because I feel like I'm just doing it for the sake of it now, because I started it, and not because I have any special desire to, or that it was a part of my grand plan. But I guess that's how life works out sometimes. There's always the chance that I did in fact make this happen because it is something I wanted, deep down? I don't know. I think the point is that I need to get into the driver's seat in this respect and others, decide what I want and work towards it.

F**k F**king F**K F**K

When I created this blog, I was trying to move away from the silliness that was my former blog and be a little more sophisticated, hence the moody profile picture etc. But I can't get away from it, I'm a silly person, so maybe I'll just turn this thing green and call it baconandbananas again and go back to being, silly.

The silly thing I'm thinking at the moment is why are today's pop songs so terribly lyrically impoverished? And rude! They are so rude. I mean, I heard that Enrique Inglesias had a new album so I looked it up on myspace and in one of the songs he says something like 'excuse me if you think I'm being rude, but tonight I'm fucking you'. This is what he says, over and over. I mean, am I being a prude here? Or is that just totally wrong and disgusting? It's like this fruity pop song and then THOSE are the lyrics? Kids are going to be bopping around to this and you know that urge when you want to sing along to the chorus of something... Well, I just don't know what to say. Granted when I was young we used to listen to Nirvana and liked the song 'Rape me'. But, and this could just be my personal bias, I feel like that at least had some depth and poignancy to it.

Maybe I'm just getting old. The problem is, I still like dancing around my house in the mornings to nice upbeat music, and lately I've been turning on the radio rather than choosing a CD, but I really have to suppress my disgust while I'm dancing around because I just find some of the music just so appalling. I like the stuff that is inspired by soul music, like Christina Aguilera and Duffy etc, and I'm fond of Cee Lo Green and even love the song 'Fuck you'. Does that contradict my initial argument here? Why is it that I think that is ok and the Enrique one is not? Maybe it has to do with power and respect. In the Cee Lo song he's apparently expressing his attitude towards a girl who won't give him the time of day. It's pretty benign. On the other hand the Enrique song gives the impression of treating women as playthings, so maybe that's why I'm offended by it.

In any case, this is what can happen if you have rude lyrics to upbeat pop songs:

Things wot I done learned today...

1. Dying your hair first thing in the morning and then trying to multi-task by eating breakfast with a plastic bag tied around your head is not really a very good idea.

2. Some hair dyes require you to wet your hair before applying. This means your head is not only saturated with hair dye, but also, drippy.
3. Hair dye is initially clear to the touch, but after a short amount of time, turns dark.
4. Hair dye does not come out of linoleum floor coverings, nor off of painted white doors.
5. Sometimes doing too many things at once means that you don't do any of them particularly well.
6. Breakfast is not improved when there are hairs in it.
7. If you are doing multiple things with time limits, it's best to coordinate them well, otherwise you will end up with overboiled coffee, which then goes cold.
8. Black hair does not suit me.

Love, hate, and marriage

My hubby-to-be and I have been engaged now for about three weeks. It's a lovely time in a way; getting engaged was so pleasant and easy, it just seemed the natural thing to do. In general I'm enjoying planning for our wedding, but I have some misgivings, hence the 'hate' in the title of this post, though hate is a bit of a strong word. I guess one thing that my future husband and I have in common is our distaste for being told what we have to do and we dislike the rampant commercialism of so many things. Living out in a sleepy little town in Wales we get away from a lot of that, which is a relief. Nevertheless, when it comes to things like weddings, it does manage to creep in a little. When I originally started planning, I was strongly resisting anything that might be expensive. I was outraged by the extra £600 it would cost to get married in the hotel where we're having our reception, as opposed to the registrar's office, but eventually I was sold on the idea. I figured I would find a dress at a charity shop or on eBay, create table decorations out of things found and foraged, and have various people we know take on all the necessary roles such as dj, photographer, and so on. Much of this may still happen, but it's such a pull against the current. For example, on the dress front, the more you look the more you see these amazing gowns. I hate to say it but it's a bit like the Sex in the City film where Carrie starts off wanting to have a really simple wedding but then she tries on all these fabulous gowns and everything changes. Well, I am very far away from that but I do want to look nice, and the temptation is there to splash out a bit... must resist!

Another thing that I am hating a bit is how self and body conscious this whole process is making me. As if I didn't feel fat already, there's nothing like trying on a white dress in your usual size only to find yourself absolutely busting out of it, in all the wrong places. Ugh. Then there's the suggestions (by my mother) that I should get a facial as it might help with acne, or maybe get facial hair removal etc. Great. I know moustaches on women are pretty awful, but I don't at all like the idea of someone ripping strips of wax off my delicate upper lip area. Sigh. I had a good close look in the mirror today and felt a bit worried. There's a part of me that wants to be defiant about all this and say no to all the fuss, refuse to cave in to the pressure to work on being prettier... but on the other hand... why am I so resistant? Maybe I could do with a little polishing up and tweaking and plucking and so on. Actually I know I could, I think I just hate facing the fact that I need a bit of work. Ugh. It's much nicer being oblivious to all the imperfections.

Anyway, it's my goal to turn this all into a positive experience. I want to start taking better care of myself, holistically. De-stressing, getting enough exercise, eating well, etc. It's a bit tricky at the moment since I busted my knee up two months ago and it's still not totally back to normal. I can't sit crossed-legged so yoga is pretty much out, though I might try anyway. Running is also out, my knee does weird wobbly things if I so much as jog a little. Swimming is ok but only frontcrawl, which I find more tiring than breaststroke. Might go for a swim now actually since I am totally not doing work at the moment. More about what I love/hate about wedding planning later.

First attempt at a wedding styleboard