Riding the bus

I had a dream last night that I was riding a bus. I was the only passenger and it was an open top bus. It was driving through beautiful scenery, fields of golden corn, the sun low in the sky creating a beautiful summery mood. I'd forgotten my camera at home, and had been heading to some lovely destination. I decided I didn't want to go without my camera so I would ride the bus back to closer to home and walk home to get the camera. Along the ride I saw my friend Maryam jogging by the side of the road. She was smiling to herself, listening to music, she didn't see me. I sat back and enjoyed the scenery until I got to the place I wanted to get off, pushed the button and as I was getting off the driver said I'd be ok to walk the rest of the way home as it was still light out.

I woke up this morning thinking a few things, firstly, I need to get my driver's license and start driving again. I wasn't thinking about the dream when I thought this, just that I needed to get in control of this part of my life. On reflection I think the two things are related... the bus carrying me where it goes, me just going along for the ride, not being in control. I thought that as well, while brushing my teeth, wondering about my PhD and why I'm doing it. I think it's too late to back out now and I won't, because I think I can do it if I just don't question my motivation too much. I just have to keep plugging away day after day and I will get there. But it's a bit bizarre because I feel like I'm just doing it for the sake of it now, because I started it, and not because I have any special desire to, or that it was a part of my grand plan. But I guess that's how life works out sometimes. There's always the chance that I did in fact make this happen because it is something I wanted, deep down? I don't know. I think the point is that I need to get into the driver's seat in this respect and others, decide what I want and work towards it.